Weight Loss Psychology: Is Your Family Making you Fat?
Sneaky ways your subconscious mind can work against you and what to do about it
Vanna Silverwood June 2024
Your family history can influence your relationship with weight loss, and it happens more often than you think. Oddly enough, attitudes formed when you were growing up often affect your ability to lose weight.
It’s called “modeling,” and kids form many life-long habits by modeling the behavior of their parents, or other adult family members. There’s a theory in Psychology called “Family System’s Theory,” which states that the atmosphere in your family (attitudes, statements and criticisms) can strongly influence the way you interact with the world over time: “everything is connected.” Family System’s Theory also explains that these habits have likely been raging around in your family for a very long time and may even span many generations of your family tree.
Let me tell you about a family experience that influenced my own relationship with weight loss.
As a child, I lived a carefree existence playing with dolls and doing a lot of baking out in the garden. I was a master chef of mud pies, which I occasionally sampled. I’ve often wondered if my natural-born urge to bake could be genetic, and in fact, I recently discovered that my grandmother was an amazing baker way back when. Hey, my life was all “Bambi and Thumper in the spring” (cue the Disney music) until the diet pill incident … dun-dun-dun.
See, in adolescence I was getting to be a chunky child, and my mother was taking it badly. You have to understand that although my mother had been chunky herself while growing up, she had lost a bunch of weight in her 30s. In fact, she was quite thin when she had a baby — my older sister — and childbirth made her gain some weight. Then she had me, and with my entry into the world, she “gained all her weight back.” So, I imagine some of that weight gain anxiety figured in to the way she treated me and may have been the cause of what I now often refer to as the dreaded diet pill fiasco.
At one point, my mother decided that my childhood weight gain was becoming worse, so she decided to cure me with a diet pill. Now, I did not know what drug was in that pill – I had no opinion about it — but the real problem was that I could not swallow pills!
So, here’s the skinny: One day, my mother decided to take the bull by horns. And with no warning, she grabbed hold of me with a maniacal look – eyes as big as saucers – and with all of her own weight loss frustration showing on her face, she tried to shove that diet pill down my throat the same way you would give a cat a de-worming pill. Of course, I struggled and gagged …
I rather imagine the whole affair looked like Homer Simpson trying to strangle Bart!
To top it all off, I bit the pill in half during the struggle, which left me staring at two pieces of broken pill in my hand. To this day, I can still see the pill’s black and shiny interior staring back at me … reflecting my horror-struck, emotional reaction to the incident. Being my first encounter with weight loss, it’s no wonder that I absorbed my mother’s “stink of failure” attitude toward weight loss in general.
We can’t entirely blame her for this failed attempt at forcing me to lose weight, because there were some super-chunky relatives on her side of the family – one of them died of a heart attack — and maybe she was concerned for my health. But the plain truth is that the shock and anxiety of this situation — to a child’s mind — likely started me down a slippery slope of anxiety and hopelessness, regarding weight management and things of that nature.
My diet pill story is an example of the way traumatic childhood experiences can carry such a strong, emotional intensity that they become part of the way they think and feel about life in general. You may even forget all about the incident, but the emotional result of that experience (in this case, anxiety) can dig in deeply, getting stored in the subconscious mind.
It simply makes sense that over-thinking and worrying about traumatic experiences can dig in and cause blockages in the subconscious. For instance, too much worry (which I probably did) about my experience with the diet pill could have sent me on a downward spiral, creating in me an anxious or failure-prone attitude toward weight loss as I matured. Plus, having worries and fears of failure toward one situation – in this case, weight loss — can spread like gangrene, sometimes eroding expectations of success in other areas of your life.
In fact, it seems that those who endure the most harassment about their need to lose weight often have the most trouble losing weight. And even though we tend to blame the boss, the neighbors, the kids, or even the dog (or cat) for high anxiety and stress levels, the real culprit may be hiding in deeply rooted traumatic experiences: situations from the past that lay buried in the subconscious mind.
In fact, studies show that anxiety — often present in weight gain — can be transferred from parent to child. In fact, Psychology’s Family Systems Theory explains that anxiety or angry behavior can be passed on from parent to child for generations within the family as the child observes, absorbs, and repeats (models) their parent’s anxious reactions to daily life. When a child takes on their parent’s anxiety the child may experience higher levels of cortisol: “the stress hormone.”
The problem with high cortisol is that it can cause cravings for sugar and fried foods, and eating unhealthy foods can lead to the development of Type II Diabetes, high cholesterol and weight gain as time goes on.
It’s like this: when you let go of stress, you can reduce cortisol levels, break the cycle, and eventually create healthier habits for your whole family. Of course, seeing a counselor or Psychologist would be a good option for any stressed out individual. But if you are unable to access stress therapy, there are things you can do on a personal level, such as:
Find someone you trust and talk out your frustrations. Don’t be shy! It’s called “venting,” and it’s a good way to release frustration and learn more about yourself in the process.
Learn mindfulness techniques: Finding an online video about progressive muscle relaxation is a good way to start. Mastering mindfulness promotes de-stressing, and it helps you develop a quiet mental state, characteristic of very calm people.
Do a Life Review: Anyone can benefit from working through the “life review” process. To conduct a life review, think back over the span of your lifetime, noting any challenging or traumatic situations that could have affected your body image, or your relationship to weight loss. Then, work to redefine that situation in positive terms.
For instance, if a bully (could be a family member) ever called you fat – or even made you feel fat or unworthy – re-imagine the experience and de-victimize yourself. Look at the situation from all angles and try to understand all perspectives involved. You may realize that the person who belittled you was just trying to unload their own anger and stress onto you. Try to imagine what kind of life challenges the bully may have experienced that could cause them to treat others so badly. Show love to the person who bullied you in your mind, re-classifying that memory as a learning experience. (It’s all about the freedom of forgiveness, after all.)
Speaking of family connections to weight loss, let me tell you a story that shows how weight loss consumed my mother’s mindset over the span of her lifetime (It’s all in the family.)
Six months before my mother’s death at an advanced age, she had developed full blown dementia and was unable to recognize anyone, including close family members. Now, I had astounded her by losing thirty pounds on Josh Axe’s Keto Diet during the year just past, and one day she actually recognized me, but not by my name.
I had gone to check on her, expecting the worst, when suddenly – like dawn spreading across the sky – a beautiful look of happiness engulfed her face and she said, “I know you! You’re the one who lost all that weight!”
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REFERENCES
Affrunti, N.W. & Ginsburg, G.S. (2012). Maternal Overcontrol and Child Anxiety: The Mediating Role of Perceived Competence. Child Psychiatry Hum Dev, 43(1): 201 – 212. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3358037/
Cohen I.S (2023, November 13). Understanding Bowen Family Systems Theory: Enhancing your relationships through emotional Differentiation. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/202311/understanding-bowen-family-systems-theory
Davis. N. (2017, March 13). Screen Time Linked to Greater Diabetes Risk Among Children. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/science/2017/mar/13/screentime-linked-to-greater-diabetes-risk-among-children
Peters, A. (2019, February 27). Why Do We Crave Sweets When We’re Stressed? A brain researcher explains our desire for chocolate and other carbs during tough times. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-we-crave-sweets-when-were-stressed/
van der Valk E.S., Savas M., van Rossum E.F.C. (2018). Stress and Obesity: Are There More Susceptible Individuals? Curr Obes Rep, 7(2): 193–203. Stress and obesity: Are there more susceptible individuals?
Williamson, L. (2023, July 28). Is Venting Good for Your Health? American Heart Association. https://www.heart.org/en/news/2023/07/28/is-venting-good-for-your-health
You guessed it: Long Term Stress Can Make You Gain Weight. (2023. February 28). Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials https://health.clevelandclinic.org/stress-and-weight-gain